a work in progress

is it okay to be okay with not being okay?

I had this date recently, and everything went great until the end. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter how sparkling your conversation is if your life plans don’t align with his. I wrote it off as a valuable experience, at least that’s what I’ll tell people, and thought little of it. But when I woke up the next morning something about the night felt off, uncomfortable even. And as the day progressed I realized that my unsettled feelings were because there was a detail which played no part in the evening : my chronic pain.

Is it odd that being nothing other than a “typical” 29-year-old on a date makes me uncomfortable? As I write my pain is somehow creeping upward and my sight is blurry with opioids, which doesn’t make sense even to me. Still, I can deal with this, but my noneventful {and even over-played} evening throws me off. The date could have been Story B on an episode of Full House, so commonplace it’s boring. Yet it doesn’t sit well. Quite a puzzler.

I have no idea when I became this person who is comfortable with her chronic pain. Perhaps it was when I decided that my issues were going to hang around for a while whether I fought them or not. What’s the use in spending all that time and effort pushing against a wall that refuses to move? Or maybe it happened when my pain sucked the excess energy out of me, and I didn’t have any stamina left to fight? Eh, it probably just happened because I got really negative one day and declared “I’m over it!” very dramatically and stormed out the room.

Regardless of when or why it happened, I know that this is a mindset that I can, with a bit of work, abandon. I already feel myself moving in that direction. Let’s face it – I’ve been in that Everything Sucks mode for so long the scales were bound to tip. But I’m hoping that if / when I make it safely to the other side, that side where strides are made and lives change for the better, I don’t adopt a disapproval for where I stand. I hope I’m capable of being thankful for these changes yet pushing for even more, all while being truly okay with it all.

That sounds super easy, right?






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